This is the life of a Go-Getta

proof that "consulting" is not that different from blogging

2008-10-21T15:04:00.000-07:00

i was required to write this for work today:

Bon Jovi fans, “avid tiedyers”, and at least one “iPhoneophile” form the team now known as “Big Bro 101.” After numerous setbacks, this unlikely team has finally made on site in Birmingham, Alabama. With an impeccable driving record, numerous quotable phrases and just one PDA, Phil Lea, Keri Hochgertle and Chris Bierbower have defeated all odds and made it to the “Pittsburg of the South.”
Thus far, Birmingham has been a learning experience for all. As he is older and wiser, Phil has enlightened us about bow-fishing, 80’s music, and defensive driving. Chris reflected, “I keep hearing all this music that I listened to when I was younger, but didn’t like till I was staffed with you.” Chris has talked all of us into the entire line of Apple products, though Keri isn’t quite convinced that she is popular enough for an iPhone yet. Chris has also been in charge of navigating the bustling metropolis that is Birmingham, Alabama. Though she is still new to the whole MPR thing, Keri has enlightened the team on a number of topics including tiedye techniques, flea markets of Alabama, who is most likely to be attacked by a bear, and the best ways to tell if an animal has a home.
Next week, Brian Portewig will be joining the team in Alabama. The team will be visiting Starz, a classy karaoke joint right off Highway 31. All anxiously await an encore performance of a Snoop Dogg song. Additionally, Phil has promised that Journey will be on the list, and it’s possible that Chris will do a rendition of “Barbie Girl.” A standing bet will determine whether he sings the male or female lead.

le sigh

the real world:midtown

2008-09-04T19:10:00.000-07:00

first off, i am quite thankful that MTV has not in fact decided to tape that show that i love/hate so dearly in the town i now call home

second off, yes. i moved. i am no longer an inhabitant of athens and i no longer breed squid. i have moved to the city of atlanta right at the corner of and i quote: "gay and gay". additionally, i got a job as a "consultant". i know, how ambiguous, right? it's cool. you can further specify it with my title within the "consulting" firm: associate. WHAT IS THAT??? i'm still figuring all of that out, dont worry, i'll update you as i learn. for now, whats important is that my readership has likely tripled as at least 4 of my fellow "consultants" now read this blog.

on to more important things. i miss mason and kitti. there is a nice kitti that lives behind me that is kind of stray/kind of belongs to my neighborlady. not sure the relationship there, but hes called gimpkitti. anyway, we play sometimes, but he's entirely too fat to come inside my house, so it's kind of an open relationship. not because he is fat. it's an open relationship cause he's not really mine. we just play sometimes.

i was thinking about getting another kitti of my own. i think that might solve my problems, but apparently "consultants" travel, and its hard to have a pet since i have no roommates. which furthers my problem. the reason i need a pet is that when im alone in my house i tend to talk to myself. when one has a pet, it is slightly justified because there is another being in the esablishment. my fake tulip does not count.

so then i thought about getting a fish. this would be great, but the only fish i have ever owned acually belonged to my mother and she named him after the teacher that my brothers and i had for directed study. useless course, but fun. mr. barry [the fish, not the man] was also useless, but he was pretty and my brothers and i thought that it was weird to have our teacher on my mom's desk in her office, so we called him 'fish'. who were we to judge? we once had a gerbil named david.

regardless, i think i need a fish so people dont think im crazy. plus, it might remind me of my squiddies. i miss them too. not the shrimp though.

oops

2008-06-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

also, in case anyone DOES read this, it wasnt yuengling that died in April. that was dr. quinn medicine woman.

sorry for any confusion that this may have caused

aha! back...

2008-06-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

Soooo fer the summer i am breeding the squiddies still, and also washing the dishes in the lab and also working retail. busy you ask? kinda. but when i'm bored, i'm REAL bored.

The squid are doing alright I guess. Yuengling recently passed on, thus leaving me with none of the original crew. In her memory, I would like to name the rest of the squid names of beer. i already have a PBR, Red Stripe and Hoegarten. Please submit additional options via comment. Please note, I will have approximately zero Bud products and/or light beers [this includes imports]

The dish stuff is kind of funzies i suppose. I also get to do real scientist stuff like watch Dr. Stabb dissect Yuengling and remove her light organ and I make media with acid and bases and all. Makes me feel like if i had passed chemistry with a few more flying colors i might have made it in pharmacy after all. alas, i got a real job anyway.

old navy is just about the same as it was last summer except sean is a little crankier sometimes. that ok though, cause i think maybe i am too. we have perhaps the most irritating soundtrack there EVER. EVER. congrats universe. you win.

i move to my SWEET apt in july. sorry to be so excited about it, but it really is sweet. and i spent today deciding where i want to travel in the fall. i'm hoping to end up on the project in virginia or perhaps a new on in New Jersey. regardless, i think i want to be on the road at first. flying is kind of intimidating, and i want to get used to it, esp with mike in new york.

additionally, this week the most precious puppy stayed with me. his name is lyle and he belongs to ashley's roommate katie. he was perfect and very small and made me miss kitti very much. in case i didnt already mention this to my faithful blog readers, i lost kitti to kittiHIV. it was pretty awful and i dont think that i will be ready for another pet for awhile, but when i am, i may steal baby lyle :)

alright, enough, no one reads this mess anyway

fer funziez

2008-05-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

happy last week of school! the squid arent being all that interesting lately, so there is very little to note. does anyone need a turtle?

also, tripziez! hoorah

blah

2008-04-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

Yuengling died this week. so did half of the shrimp. the squid room smells like when you're 8 and you leave the "pretty shells" that you found on the beach in a baggie in the hot car on the 10 hr drive back from the beach. then you find the bag 2 weeks later and open it. uck.

also, I'm 99% finished with the magnum opus of my college career [senior thesis]. it's pretty awful, and I'm waaaaay tired of reading it.

ready to graduate? kinda

sneezes

2008-04-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

dear spring,

i do not like pollen.

love, keri

dear 95.5 the beat,

why do you bother playing that weezy song? only like 3 of the words in it are actually legal to be said on air. a song full of bleeps and irrelevant noises is not entertaining. just play the beats if you like it so much.

love, keri

ps. johnny d. kind of sux on the tables

motivation

2008-04-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

dear school,

we had a good run, but i feel like i have to be honest with you. you see, i've been having a lot of trouble putting all that i have into our relationship in theses past weeks. i've met someone else.

i know, i know. how can i throw our 17 years together down the drain?! it's just that the real world and i have gotten really close. and i know that we've had our ups and downs, and i've learned so much from you. i'll miss you for awhile. probably more down the road.

the real world has just offered me so much. it's not you. it's not even me. it's just time for us to part ways. i'll still keep what ive learned from you with me always. i'll even stick around for about another month so it's not so abrubt. but it's not going to be like old times. i probably wont come to class as much, and i may turn things in a little bit late. dont let it hurt your feelings, baby. you'll find someone new.

love and kisses

keri

&*$%in' cold

2008-04-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

dear weather.com,

where is the 80 degree weather your promised me today? it's EFFING 50 DEGREES.

love,
keri

oh boy!

2008-03-21T10:53:00.001-07:00

today, i got a real job [not that squid janitor is a figament of my wildest imagination, though it may seem that way] but today i got a career.

also, kitti is grunting as he eats

emotions

2008-03-20T16:10:00.001-07:00

you know, its really freakin hard to mourn the death of one, Bill Clinton when we got 2 new male squid in today.

in other news, my kitti is adapting nicely. he's a bit hateful. his 3 noises are: hissing at mason, purring, and sleeping. hes never awake and quiet. he also rarely sleeps when i do. the up side is that he let me cut his nails, so i have a lot fewer injuries. currently, he is sitting on my lap. purring, naturally.

um?

2008-03-16T14:29:00.001-07:00

a week ago Bill Clinton laid eggs.

too fishy

2008-03-06T14:26:00.000-08:00

sorry if i blog about the squid too much. its just that they seem to be the only interesting thing in my life right now...

i'm going to little Yazoo in 2 days. cant. freakin. wait.

tragic

2008-03-03T14:26:00.000-08:00

Chuck Norris died over the weekend. Princess Zelda is now called "Black Widow" and has "DO NOT MATE" written on her tank. what a badass.

mercy! got her horns hung in a hammock.

2008-03-01T17:53:00.000-08:00

so. 3 of the new squid died last week. and two are still too young to identify their gender. so the only new name is "chuck norris".

ironically, we mated him with princess zelda a few days ago. she beat the hell out of him. he's mortally wounded. missing tentacles and stuff.

also, did i tell you that i got a kitti????!!!

hes the best kitten in the entire world. his name is chip. it used to be lucy. i think you get the drift.

just when i thought i had it all together

2008-02-20T13:03:00.000-08:00

i finally named the 5th squid (princess zelda)

and we got 6 more in today. le sigh.

suggestions are appreciated

ze squid

2008-02-18T15:55:00.000-08:00

ok, so about this new job of mine.

joey, my dear friend of many years, is quite smart. in fact, much more so than i. for this reason, Kaplan hired him to teach MCAT classes for $20/hr. that's ballin.

but joey already had a job. and he needed to name a replacement. and that lucky replacement? CORRECT! me. so, i am the official squid breeder of the "Stabb Lab" [thats right. my boss is dr. stabb. the squidologist.]

so, i am solely [with about 6 other people, all with much more important titles than mine--one girl is called the squidmaster--and they do way more important things than i do] responsible for the lives of 6...nay, 5 [we recently lost jezebel] adult squid and around 8 clutches of squid eggs. you can imagine how high-stress this environment is, what with all of these lives hanging in the balance....

i have named all but one of them so far. i refuse to let ashley name any more of them, cause the last one she named died. anyway, here they are, with some interesting facts about each.

161: Bill Clinton. bad at hiding. has inked on me more than once. biggest one. male. ripped jezebel's head off while they were mating on valentine's day.
162: Dwight K. Schrute. alpha male. insatiable. jackhammer. also bad at hiding. inked on me today.
169: Yuengling. female. young. made it through the valentine's day mating with Dwight. hoping she'll lay soon.
165: Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. our heaviest egg-layer thus far. also inked on me today.
168: hiding from me. has yet to be named. suggestions welcome by all [except ashley]
164: the late Jezebel: quite the hussy. doesnt even bother to hide in the sand. bill clinton ripped her head off on vday.

more to come on the squid saga. today i spilled a bucket of de-ionized water on myself.

valen-TIME

2008-02-16T15:41:00.000-08:00

ok, ok i know mostly my posts are witty and utterly hilarious, but this one's a bit sappy.

i had a freakin awesome valentines day. and i want my faithful blog readers to know about it.

i had a pretty fantastic day, what with the class, and the squid [oh, i cant WAIT to tell you about my new job!] and my date with ashe [ice cream and sparkly tats-oh my!] but the night was fantastic.

so, in keeping with his constant air of "mysterious boyfriend", Mike wouldnt tell me what the plan was for valentine's day, just that he was cooking dinner for me. so, i arrived at his apartment with pie [i said that i would bring desert] and he had not only made me dinner, but set up a tent in their living room so that we could go camping. cause its too cold to go outside. and since we couldnt go outside, there were christmas light "stars". honestly. adorable. seriously. i usually hate valentines day.

things that i learned today

2008-02-13T19:10:00.000-08:00

and i didnt learn either in class:

1. how to post and item on the facebook

2. the orbit bus makes me want to punch a baby. if you have a baby, keep it far from me when i must ride an orbit bus.

kittiz

2008-02-09T14:43:00.000-08:00

so, i'm sure you all know [ashe] that emma gave kitti back to amy.

and i miss him.

terribly. i mean, i had really fallen in love with the hateful little thing. and i think that God himself is trying to tell me that i need another kitti.

why else would facebook [God's gift to stalkers everywhere] have invited me to a group entitled "KITTENS!" containing temptations like this:

http://uga.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=40820899&o=all&op=1&view=all&subj=8171595558&aid=-1&id=4904100&oid=8171595558

i just dont know. so, if you love me, youll talk me out of this kitti that God wants me to have.

new years resolution

2008-01-28T15:08:00.000-08:00

so, i know i havent blogged in awhile. sorry to all of my faithful readers [ahem, ashley]

my new years resolution is not, however, to blog more often. sorry [ashe]

it is not to get in shape, to be more organized, to manage my stress, or to eat better either.

it's to try not to accidentally almost kill my friends.

so. on new years eve, i innocently attended a small get-together at the boy's apartment. [the boys being sean, joey, matt and drew.]

we had a lovely time, and though i opted not to drink, it was tunz uv fun. anyways, at some point, joey had the brilliant idea that we go to waffle house for a snack. i opted to go, being as i was the only elligible driver. joey soon opted out of going, leaving some others of us to go, each thinking the others planned to eat, when really, none of us did. once we arrived, travis ate, but the other 4 of us only had water.

this is not the point, however. upon arriving at the apartment complex, sean g [whose car i was driving] asked me to pop his trunk for him. i obliged, but on the first go-around, i popped his hood instead. as i was on my way to close the hood, however, the cutest puppy in the history of puppies flew into my arms as if sent to me by God himself. so, being a puppy lover [read: female] i oohed and aahed and cuddled and baby talked to this puppy like i had lost my everloving mind. i then returned it to its rightful owner and returned to the party.

the next evening as i was watching the Sugar Bowl after show [around 1 am] i got a distressed phone call from sean g. seemingly, he had nearly died when his hood flew up as he was driving down hwy 316 toward Emory.

and that is why in 2008, i pledge not to accidentally almost kill my friends.

n00b.w00t.

2007-12-06T12:39:00.000-08:00

so, yesterday ony my way to school, i was driving along at a fairly reasonable speed all things considered [i had JUST woken up] when i realized that i was being quite closely by an individual on a scooter. seriously?! you're going to tail me on your scooter?! what happens if i brake-check you?? i'll tell you! you'll end up sitting on my tailgate wearing that ridiculous tophat that i keep in my trunk on top of your helmet nursing two broken legs and my broken window!!!!

and dont get me STARTED on the fact that you were able to keep up with me on that thing!!! i mean, i realize that my 87-year-old grandmother who can barely read her speedometer drives faster than me most days [the other night i noticed an officer pointing his radar gun at me, and when i looked down at my speedometer i was going 30 in a 35 but i mean it was in the right lane on Prince and it was late at night and there could have been a pedestrian in a crosswalk or something, i mean really] but clearly you havent been reading my blog religiously, because if you had, you would very well know that i was a witness to a near-tragic scooter-accident recently.

be careful on that thing

speaking of accidents, i really like it how on this radio station that i have recently become addicted to, they call a fender-bender a "two-car insurance seminar"

and, one more thing, joey [shorts4life@blogspot.com] is funny, i guess.

"i saw you and cristina walking and i just wanted to let you know to hang your towel out the left side. yeah, that's the Crip side"

wii did git a kitti

2007-12-04T14:07:00.000-08:00

so, as you may know, we got a kitti last week. his name is harvey P kitti and he's pretty durn cute. although emzies [my roommate who does not blog or like it that we call her that] firmly argues that he is full grown, i do believe that he is still a baby kitti. harvey is a very social kitti, and will howl like a bobcat if you leave him alone for long periods of time [read: more than 5 seconds] he is also surprisingly not afraid of the 60 pound baby tiger that also inhabits the loveshack [my house]

it's not that harvey and mason [aforementioned tiger] dont get along per se...it's just that so far they seem to really enjoy antagonizing each other. harvey likes to crawl up on our laps and monopolize our attention and/or eat mason's food. both of these make mason QUITE jealous and he cannot stand not to be the center of attention. he's also a big baby and totally terrified of kitti's claws. but he really likes to play, so he tries to get as close to kitti as possible and get his attention so that perhaps they can wrestle like he does with other dogs [we think he's confused kitti for a small dog]. no such luck. he usually just gets swiped at.

so far, the sage is quite fun to watch.

kittiez r kewt

2007-11-27T18:26:00.000-08:00

1. i forgot to mention in my blog about Captain D's that not only am i amazed that the niche market for fast-food-seafood exist, but that there actually exists competition!!!!! [technically i'd consider it an oligopoly-ish market, but thats really not the point here] the point is, Mike reminded me today about Long John Silver's!! i mean honestly. did one see the other in the market and conclude that not only was there profit to be made, but enough to justify entry?! i just dont get it. i'll need to consult a more learned economist and get back to you, oh faithful readers.

2. i know that both ashe and kathryn have covered the 'elf yourself' site in their respective blogs, but my dad sent me a really cute one of my cousin, his fiance and their GIANT puppy sadie. sadie is a mastiff rottweiler mix. HUGE. HUGE. cute though. and blogworthy if i DO say so myself.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9610060189

3. i'm writing a paper about point shaving in the NBA. fascinating. except i havent written a paper in over a year. that really blows my mind. this is only my third class in my college career that has assigned a paper. crazy, especially in a major with such a heavy emphasis on being published in economic journals. and also cause the other two classes were speach comm and CALCULUS LAB. Silly.

things i would like to know

2007-11-27T06:47:00.000-08:00

How does Captain D's stay open? Who actually trusts a $3.99 coconut shrimp platter from a drive-thru window? Lobster?! at a fast-food joint? seriously?! i must admit, i'm a bit of a seafood snob, preferring a fresh catch to, say, Red Lobster in landlocked Gwinnett, but i would not dare turn down crab legs unless i was reasonably sure that they were flavored rubber [see: Captain D's]. And I have quite enjoyed Red Lobster. I did not enjoy my last Captain D's experience. I remember the fateful day, despite the fact that it must have been at least 10 years ago. Let's just say, even my 11-year-old self had enough sense to order fishsticks and eat mostly just fries and hushpuppies. Alas, who IS their target customer?